Female Friendships as the Antidote to Misogyny

It’s a pretty brutal feeling to realize we cannot escape misogyny. We are absolutely drowning in it. The few times I have been brave enough to stand up to a sexist comment, I catch myself opening with "not to go all feminist on you….". What the fuck is that about?

So right now, I am going to go completely 100% full feminist on you. I hope that’s okay!

To give you some context, earlier today my flat mates and I were cleaning up a mess we made a couple nights ago at an ex-boyfriend’s flat. Yes, we made some poor decisions, but apology flowers were given, sorry's were said, and a whole 6 eggs were cleaned up (we’ll cross vandal off our career list as evidently, we suck at not getting caught).

To be honest, having three boys tower over me while I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor already felt instinctively uncomfortable.

When one of the boys pulled out his phone to film me, I looked up, and I froze. This felt incredibly unnecessary and was not something I was okay with. I did not want to be a part of some weird humiliation ritual.

My flatmate, immediately sensing my discomfort, pulled me up and declared that we would not continue until the camera was put away - again, this should not have been a form of entertainment for them.

Naturally, they didn’t understand. I said, "it feels degrading". His response? "It's meant to feel degrading."

The Cambridge dictionary defines degrading as lowering "a person's sense of value, character, or dignity."

I guess - considering degrading is what he was going for - he's an overachiever. Because yes, to be a woman on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor as boys stand around watching and filming me, with satisfaction painted all over their face, I felt incredibly degraded.

I have never felt so small in my entire life.

He meant it too. I messaged him later in attempt to explain the harm behind his words. He replied (among other things) "it should feel degrading".

It should feel degrading.

And you wonder why girls never speak their feminist instincts. Misogyny isn't always the product of a lack of education. It's intentional. Cruel for the purpose of cruelty.

I don’t quite know how to articulate that this was not just a rude comment. It’s a comment that carries a lot of weight, all of which has somehow come crashing down on me. I did feel degraded. I felt belittled, I felt dirty, I felt humiliated, and I felt utterly powerless.

Why is it that adult men feel comfortable to confidently admit attempted degrading? And why is it that they get away with these comments time after time after time. It's not fair, and to be honest, I'm really fucking angry.

90% of the time, I cowardly choose to stay quiet when a man makes a misogynistic comment. This is not something I am proud of, and I can tell you now that my tongue is covered in scars from biting back my thoughts.

I grew up surrounded by strong and empowering women. My mother is a first-generation immigrant, both my grandmothers held more respect in their pinky finger than I have yet to see in a man, and I have learnt more about strength through my older sister and female friendships, than I have through any anyone else.

I look up to every one of those women. But it's hard to look up when you're on the floor, directly in the degrading shadow of a man.

To quote an essay from my year thirteen writing portfolio:

“We [women] are born with as much melancholy woven into the back of our minds as we are anger into our hearts, so in a system that finds humor in mocking us, satisfaction in sexualizing us, and outrage in any ounce of success we get, girlhood is comfort.”

I am no longer a seventeen-year-old girl, but these words still resonate with me deeply. I think that will still be the case when I’m eighty years old.

We are living in a system built upon the broken backs of women. Don’t let that be forgotten.

My girlfriends pull me out of bed on a bad day, out of the shadow of degrading men, and into the car to buy a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes on a Wednesday night (it’s not good for your body, but it sure is good for your twenties).

Don’t let the patriarchy diminish the power of female friendships. And don’t let men convince you you’re being dramatic, you’re not.

So from one woman to another (and possibly also to the boys who’s flat we egged), writing this article is scary. What's scarier is men believing that playing a harmless – immature but ultimately harmless - university prank should result in the stripping of my value, character, and dignity.

I never responded to his message, so I guess this is my response.

PHOTO: Molly Jackon, Dupe.