Canta Point: Would you participate in clinical trials?

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Opinion

Canta Point is a column written by the University of Canterbury Debating Society showcasing different sides of an issue, and encouraging flexible thinking. 

The society is open to members of all abilities. Visit the UC Debating Instagram @ucdebsoc for more information.

Pro participating in a clinical trial…

We can't all be scientists, but we can all do science. By participating in a trial you can expand the frontiers of human knowledge and help answer important questions. Questions like 'What happens if we give someone a pill to make their skin turn blue?', and 'How many lungs does the average person need?' The medical system is one of those parts of life, so vast it seems beyond the scope of any human. Healthcare seems to happen regardless of what any individual does.

Of course that's nonsense. Realising that all the good things happen because more people than existed 10,000 years ago have dedicated their lives to the cause and that you can make a small difference, is an intense feeling. It's also, excitingly, a new emotion for the modern age.

Perhaps more convincingly, you can help yourself. $8,000 buys a lot of unscientific drugs, or almost one year of university. Maybe it seems weird risking your health for money, but if the alternative is risking your sanity dealing with customers it seems sensible. Maybe while you're being inspected they'll discover you've got a vitamin deficiency and all your problems can be solved with a single pill. Or they'll discover an STI and you get to make some *interesting* calls.
It's not like you were doing anything better. If you're reading this I doubt you're going to lectures, so you might as well get paid to not get the education you're paying for.

Who needs uni when you've got a career right there.
I heard a rumour that at the end of the internet there's the motivation to watch your lectures, like a leprechaun with a pot of gold. So spending a week in bed scrolling is actually productive and you can justify getting off the grindset for half a second.

Or maybe you're a diligent student, hard working and deserving of a break. Take a week away, see the sights, discover the magic of the medical ward. If you close your eyes you can pretend you're in Ibiza and the pills you're taking are actually ... pills. With a team of nurses to pamper you, you'll never want to go home.

The cons to participating in a clinical trial…

If you're trypanophobic or haemophobic this isn't for you. There are a lot of blood tests, like so many you'll wonder if they're selling some to rich people on the side. It's not that they hurt, it's easy to get over that. Seeing your own blood come out of you is weird. There's one part of you that knows something is wrong but it's not important enough to bother your conscious mind, meanwhile you're staring at the blood, knowing you should have an emotional reaction, but your body isn't providing any.

If fear of short term pain doesn't scare you, think of the long term. When a scientist in a movie tries something crazy it just might work. When a scientist in real life tries something crazy you get side effects and they can get arrested. But, theoretically it's possible, I suppose, you develop a superpower. Something like having an itchy back, or a sudden aversion to pecans. The good news is that circus freak shows aren't a thing any more, the bad news is that there's not many other ways to capitalise on your new powers. You could throw yourself into the Marvel/DC content machine, or start a short lived D list social media brand. The alternative is worse though: most likely you'll lead an average life, dreaming of the somewhat-above-average life you could have had.

The cruel joke is, if after all this you still want to do a trial, you're probably not eligible. Any medication (including contraceptives) means you're not welcome. If you're the sort of person who has a high risk tolerance, nothing better to do for a week, and a particular desire for extra cash, you're probably on something.